I'm (finally) halfway through Paper Towns! I know, this isn't really anything to report. In fact, it's kinda sad that I'm reporting I'm only halfway through it when I've had it for almost a week. Anyway, I forced myself to sit down and read it (which is more what this post is about than the book. Chill, I'll get there in a second) this afternoon. Managed (as mentioned -- a few times) to get halfway through and past the heel and gusset on my sock! Ahhh! That's awesome. For me, anyway... I'm really loving this sock right now... I wish they'd finish themselves... And quickly. I wish I was as fast as Stephanie Pearl-McPhee... That'd be epic. But I've watched her knit before but she's just so freaking fast I can't figure it out...
ANYWHO! (I enjoy saying that. Oddly enough it doesn't happen so much in real life.) On with what most of this bloggy-posty-thingy is about. I mentioned how I forced myself to sit down and read. I'm really proud of myself for actually listening to myself. Because I suck at listening to myself. I can't make myself do something. I have an authority problem when it comes to myself. Or other people sometimes, but more with myself. Which is really bad. How am I ever going to finish reading a book? Finish a knitting project? Do school? Finish writing my book?
Anna and I were talking about being more responsible earlier about staying up so late/getting up earlier. And I decided I had a lot more I need to apply this to. Like reading/school/writing. Not so much knitting... I should probably limit my knitting time a little, even. That's why I was knitting while I read today... that makes it better. Anyway, I was thinking about all this -- because that's what I do. Yes. While reading. I probably missed something important. But that's what re-reading is for -- and I decided I needed to make a schedule for myself. But then I realized that if I did that, it ABSOLUTELY wouldn't get done because I can't listen to myself. So... I'm a little lost in what I should do. Maybe make the schedule and get my mom enforce it. But this isn't her thing, it's mine. My responsibility....
Gosh! I hate being responsible! I'm the first to fully admit I won't survive as an adult! I'm not looking forward to college (which I'll have to pay for myself. But I can't get a job to do that, because 1) I spend a lot of time either watching my brother or nephew. Or both. And, when she's a little older, my niece. 2) I can't drive! Working on that, though, finally! Ha! Finally... 3) Frankly, it scares me. More responsibility. I'm not a leader. Not a follower. Mostly I'm just there. And... that's not such a good thing with jobs. 4) I hate not being at home, or somewhere I can't immediately retreat into my shell for protection. Etc, etc. 5) I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP! I know, I can have a job/be responsible without growing up. But right now, right here, I don't see how that's possible.
I'm sure I'm just completely freaking. Going through one of those funks that we tend to get. But... I don't know. I just.... GAH!
I need a hug from someone other than my dad. Because his hugs come with lectures. I don't want a lecture. Why can't my mom be home right now? Or someone other than my dad with his lecturey hugs? (Not counting my brother... Ew... brother hugs...)
I didn't realize how much I needed a hug until I wrote that last paragraph...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I'm hope I'm good now. I think I got out everything I needed to get out. Except maybe how cold I am. I'm super cold.
~Sigh~
Hayley
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